Before Early Mum became a Mum she willfully gave her body to the Pregazoic era, in which she demonstrated the wonder that is expansion.
Contrary to popular belief where those in this era get a neat little ‘bump’, EVERYTHING that was able to expand – expanded. Stomach. Legs. Face. Ankles. And every conceivable emotion.
During this era almost anything could make her cry, she could eat her body weight in carbs and she felt wholly unprepared for what was about to come.
She would visit unexplored lands such as Mothercare, Mamas and Papas and Subway at 2am. If she wanted food she would have it, as she was now essentially 2 people, that after 9 long months would have to become separate beings.
The Pregazoic Era quickly morphed into an unstable time called Labourous Painfulous. Many had spoken of this time, but until Early Mum found herself there she had no idea what would happen.
Some told stories of ease, some told stories of struggle. Eventually, Early Mum found herself exhausted, euphoric with love and in charge of one tiny, beautiful baby.
This was the start of something wonderful and terrifying. Early Mum discovered that she no longer wore her dignity like a bearskin. She was exposed, inexperienced and unwashed. She took on an odour of sweet milk and fear. This odour would keep others at bay, but would be the stuff of dreams for her newborn.
Early Mum had to learn on the job, and so quickly developed essential skills such as stamina, persistence and tenacity. Sleep was a thing of the past, and yet it was all she craved.
Early Mum struggled every day during this period and yet somehow thrived and excelled at keeping her tiny human alive and well. More than that, the tiny human was happy and although not yet capable of understanding it, loved her more than Early Mum would ever know.
Early Mum also discovered the diety that is caffeine during this period, and would worship its wonder forever more.
The Cretin-acious Era
As time wore on, many people had views and opinions they simply could not withhold from Early Mum, despite lack of experience or being fully aware of the circumstances.
These well-wishers or ‘cretins’ insisted that breast was best, but not for too long or the baby would become too attached. They insisted that Early Mum was mistaken for thinking it was acceptable to rock her baby to sleep, but also incredulous that she would leave the tiny human on their own in a different room at such a young age.
Despite the cretins best efforts to undermine and unsettle Early Mum, she ploughed on, trying to remember what was important. Her happiness and the happiness of her family. And coffee.
Early Mum came to another realisation during this era. Breasts were once a symbol of her femininity and sexuality, but she soon realised that breasts are much more than simply a source of titillation. Not only because they started to resemble socks housing some snooker balls, but because they would be used to feed and nourish another human.
The cretins came out in force for this ‘controversial’ issue and utter cockwobles like the reptile Nigelious Farragious publicly denounced breastfeeding in public. Thus proving that you are a right tit if you will only accept exposure to tits on page 3 and not in Starbucks.
Over time, Early Mum evolved and became Toddler Mum. Toddler Mum survived the Sleepious HasFuckedOff-ious period and had become hardened to criticism and ‘input’ from the cretins.
Toddler Mum witnessed her little one growing and exploring. Toddleripicus (as he was now known) soon decided that danger was cool and crapping at the dinner table was all sorts of fun. Toddleripicus could now communicate through grunts and actions that spoons were brilliant, but vegetables definitely were not.
Toddler Mum started to remember what she was like before becoming Early Mum, and on occasion would wash her hair or whack on a bit of lippy.
The No-historic Era
Toddleripicus developed language quickly, and ‘No’ became a firm favourite of EVERYONE. Toddleripicus showed Mum that it meant a very different thing when someone said to him that when he said it to someone else.
‘No’ stuck with the family and remains a constant even today. History demonstrated that some families avoid the word no, to which Mum took off her hat and bowed down to them, whilst simultaneously stopping offspring electrocuting themselves with a resounding and loud NO.
Now and the Future
Early Mum is no more and has evolved into ‘not really sure what I’ve been doing but somehow I am 5 years in’ Mum. Lots of Early Mums’ look to this Mum as a source of knowledge and information. Or simply for a chuckle whilst eating leftovers in the bathroom during a stolen 5 minutes.
This Mum is all too honest that she hasn’t got a clue how she got through it, but can reassure others that the early era’s pass in a blur. The hard bits become history and the brilliant bits are highlights that always warm hearts and accompany wistful smiles.
This Mum remembers the milky smell, breastfeeding in toilets, crying on the floor and questioning whether she did the right thing descending into Mum-hood.
This Mum wants to hug all those going through it and tell them it’s going to be OK. Without advice, or promises, or stories of the right or wrong way to get through the early periods.
This Mum remembers. This Mum is still evolving. We all are.
The Mum Conundrum