Mum Life Poems Topical

12 Days of Christmas: A Mum’s Parody

"Three shots of Glens, Two hours buzzed, I pass out watching Love Actually."

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On the first day of Christmas
My toddler gave to me to me
A stocking filled with glitter and wee.

On the second day of Christmas
My cherubs gave to me
Two siblings shoved
And a reason to eat more brie

On the third day of Christmas
My children gave to me
Three broken pens
Two shoulder shrugs
Writing school cards, oh poor me.

On the fourth day of Christmas
My oldest gave to me
Four squity turds
Three pants condemned
Sick in a glove
Total carnage, a diarrhoea spree

On the fifth day of Christmas
My whingers gave to me
Five dizzy spins
Four shattered nerves
Three clumsy bums
Two crying hugs
Brings a Mummy to her knees

On the sixth day of Christmas
The playground gave to me
Six times disobeying
Five screams on swings
Four sorry words
Three rows with friends
Two undeserving of
The presents that they’ll open with glee

On the seventh day of Christmas
The nativity gave to me
Seven verses singing
Six bouts of praying
Five forgotten things
Four words all blurry
Three Jingle Bells
Two “what the fucks”
There’ll be tears I can guarantee

On the eighth day of Christmas
My TV gave to me
Eight trains a chugging
Seven dwarfs a singing
Six Blaze’s chasing
Five Flops and Bings
Four Go Jetters
Three PJ Masks
Two Hey Duggee’s
All show mentions are complimentary

On the ninth day of Christmas
A break I gave to me
Nine minutes relaxing
Eight wines for drinking
Seven chocolates – winning
Six o clock I’m raving
Five cold gins
Four steps towards
Three shots of Glens
Two hours buzzed
I pass out watching Love Actually.

On the tenth day of Christmas
My panicked brain gave to me
Ten things for shopping
Nine times collapsing
Eight toys need building
Seven presents wrapping
Six gifts remaining
Five for my kin
Four of them are nerds
Three are cretins
Two are just thugs
And no one can just agree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas
The Eve gave to me
Eleven hours driving
Ten shops are heaving
Nine tunes are blasting
Eight kids are milling
Seven presents shaken
Six nerves are breaking
Five sore limbs (?)
Four hours a blur
Three hours hence
Two little loves
Hanging stockings by the tree!

On the twelfth day of Christmas
The big day gave to me
Twelve midnight – come in
Eleven hours not sleeping
Ten presents for opening
Nine toys are blasting
Eight lights are blinking
Seven dolls are grinning
Six slightly creepy
Five Fingerlings!
Four courses blur
Three guts distend
Two kids are chuffed
Happy Christmas to all from me!

 

 

 

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