Mum Life School Life stay at home Mum

Playground Parents. I missed the memo…

"...although my play-doh modelling is improving, my ‘Winnie the Pooh’ sculpture always ends up looking like an actual turd."

*email notification below* 35pc

to: schoolgateparents@
date: September 2017
subject: Missed Memo
attachments: Pictoral Representation
of Loneliness

Dear School Gate Parents,

It appears I missed the memo circulated over the summer in which you all met and became acquainted with each other. I can only assume you’ve attended team building events prior to the start of school, as you all seem to exceptionally familiar with each other.  I would like to send sincere apologies for my absence, as not only was I not aware of said meeting, but I was busy working on the SMART objectives agreed with my managers/ children and rewriting the rules on acceptable coffee consumption.

As our superiors have now started meeting regularly in the school group known as Dragonflies, I would like to ensure I am invited to future parent meetings and so wanted to touch base offline. As colleagues, I feel it’s important to ensure we are all singing from the same hymn sheet, and so here is some background on my strengths, areas for improvement and where I feel I can contribute to making our daily playground meetings enjoyable and most importantly, productive.

  • Despite being merely a whisker into the start of term, I have already perfected my ‘HURRY UP GET READY’ shout and am experimenting with appropriate levels of caffeine and lateness anxiety. I am keen to get tips on how to find a winning balance and avoid starting the day feeling like I’ve failed at the first hurdle.
  • I would appreciate some quality face to face time with colleagues in the same position as me, as despite noteworthy progress over the summer I am still struggling to win an adequate approval rating from my managers. For example, although my play-doh modelling is improving, my ‘Winnie the Pooh’ sculpture always ends up looking like an actual turd. I would welcome any tips or recommendations for training courses.
  • I have now come to terms with the necessity of ironing, something I was unfamiliar with until my management team embarked on this new scholastic venture. As a novice, I have burnt myself multiple times when ironing labels in various items of school uniform, but persisted and am now something of an expert. Apparently, this steely apparatus should be on a medium heat, and on a suitable surface. Not set to ‘the temperature of the sun’ and placed on an old piano stool. Through persistence, Amazon Prime and practice I have now perfected the art of ironing these bastarding labels without continuing self-infliction of second-degree burns. I would be happy to set up a working party for those still grasping this challenging art, please email me if you’re interested.
  • I’ve reached out online a few times with surprising success and engagement from some marvelous Mum’s and Dad’s and would like to emulate this in my real batshit life. I can confirm I am approachable, I will not judge you for using wet wipes to clean kitchen surfaces/ food off clothes and I can be – according to some astute and clearly brilliant readers – LOLly Willoughby. Full on crying with laughter emoji funny. So my school gate compadres – until I get to know you all, I will put your side glances and occasional shit eye down to tiredness and my absence from the mass summer meet at which you all became BFFs.

If you would like some more specific background on how I won the coveted role of Stay at Home Mummy, please take a minute to read my CV and Covering Letter.

As I believe in transparency and openness, I think it’s important to lay my cards on the table before we approach the annual World Book Day competition and Halloween sugar festival. Quite simply, I would like to meet like-minded parents who – like me, find the remote working environment challenging and lonely.

I am not interested in attending the ‘Clique 101’ workshop, nor do I have any interest in the PTA, ‘Friends of’ group or ‘Keeping myself to myself’ lone project team, which isn’t really a team but more individuals who look like they would rather vomit than engage in conversation. I would like to find a middle ground and call it ‘The Sanity Saving Support Group.’ If you’re happy to be a part of this team, please email me for a copy of the Terms of Reference and with diary availability.

Until the next formal gathering, I’ll be in the playground at 8.45 every morning, ready to acclimatise, strategise, and sympathise.

Kind regards,

N 🙂

Mrs Gaa Gaa Land
Gaa Gaa Land PLC





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