Background Mum Life stay at home Mum

Mrs Stay Home Mummy – Curriculum Vitae

"I am able to repeat phonics and sound out words like a Brit ordering a drink in a Benidorm pub. Loudly and slowly."

CV

CV

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Education

  • GOV.UK schools admissions programme (PASS)
  • Bounty Pregnancy Notes Module (PASS)
  • NCT Antenatal Course (FAIL – home/ natural birth not achieved)
  • A bachelor of arts degree with honours, some A levels and GSCE’s that at the time were everything at the time but bear no relevance in this field.

Skills

  • Reading skills –  I can bring the written word to life through energetic and enthusiastic story telling.
    • I am proficient in scary dragon voice and wimpy Pooh Bear voice, with a willingness to learn more accents and pitches.
    • I have significant experience with Julia Donaldson and Dr. Seuss, and I am keen to explore new fields that don’t include words like ‘yuzz-a-ma-tuzz’ and stories about cocky mice in deep dark woods.
  • Computer skills – Significant training and experience using Microsoft Office. Hours spent on these valuable tools are transferable to the home environment. 
    • I am now a ‘super user’ of the CBeebies application on a variety of mediums (iPhone, iPad, shitty £30 off brand kids tablet).
    • I have located Swashbuckler’s Gem’s treasure on multiple occasions and have also made the smug arse Captain Cockwomble walk the plank.
  • Management experience – I have significant experience managing junior staff and can use tact, diplomacy and kindness to encourage colleagues to reach their full potential.
    • These skills can help in the home environment by encouraging self-dressing, self-feeding, self-teeth brushing and self-arse wiping. In my experience, this encouragement involves persistent reminding of the necessity of clothes and assisting with discovering the location of head, arm and leg holes.
    • I am able to repeat phonics and sound out words like a Brit ordering a drink in a Benidorm pub. Loudly and slowly.
  • Meeting Deadlines –  My previous professional experience of submitting Board level reports has put me in good stead to meet challenging deadlines.
    • I recognise future deadlines include but are not limited to:
      • ironing 1,458 labels into school uniforms
      • getting to school on time twice a day
      • paying extra curricular activity term fees (nearly) on time
      • hitting the vague window of 12-1 for lunchtime. I am very aware that it’s vital this time window is met or hanger ensues.
  • Calm under pressure – I have met Prime Ministers, visited Buckingham Palace and flown overseas for my professional career, and so I know how to emanate an air of calmness and serenity in exceptional situations.
    • I am optimistic I can transfer these skills and use them to take two toddlers to a farm during half term, in the midst of a summer fate, after a bag of chocolate buttons, on little to no sleep.
    • I can also sing Michael Jackson songs really loudly, in a car, with the windows open, in rush hour, to assist a sleepy toddler in staying awake. With a 35% rate of success.
  • Project Management – I have been responsible for creating and enforcing the project management RASCI model in my previous roles and can use that method to ensure that I am all of the letters contained within this handy acronym in the home environment.
    • Responsible, Accountable, Suffering, Crying, Irritable*
    • * acronym has been adapted. 

Experience in the field

  • Jo Jingles – I have said hello to Jo more times than I can stomach count.
  • Monkey Music – 15% of classes interacted with, 85% spent chasing a toddler around a church hall. Whilst pregnant.
  • Little Kickers – not sure what this is about as spent most of the time wanting to little kick the coach in the balls. But experience nonetheless.
  • Various ballet and dance schools – see Monkey Music for percentages of engagement.
  • Aqua Tots – nervously dunking my 6-month-old under the water because the only just post pubescent instructor said to. Stuck it out despite crying after most sessions.
  • Variety of soul destroying soft play facilities – experienced in encouraging voice, asking/ requesting/ insisting each sibling plays with each other, dislocating at least one knee cap per session and receiving 4,566 counts of static shock from the bright terrifying tunnels.
  • Playground – well versed at saying ‘wait your turn please’ only for six other children to push past. Highly experienced at biting my lip and silently counting to ten.

All for a hazy period of time at different intervals between 2013 and 2017.

Employment

Professional career and roles excluded as not relevant in this challenging new environment.

Awards and Acknowledgements

Awards

  • Arse Wiper of the Year (East Surrey)
  • The Rosette Award for Lego 101
    • Winning submission: Square elephant with out of proportion trunk.
  • Culinary Distinction – superlative beige oven food with a side of vegetables destined not to be touched/ eaten.
  • Highly commended in ‘TV for distraction’
    • Winning example: Toy Story Marathon of 1, 2 and 3 with a seamless transition.

Acknowledgements

  • ‘And I quote “They’re quite a handful aren’t they. Must get on your bloody nerves.” Part time TFL bus driver/ Full-time Twat.

References 

Available upon request. Likely to be provided on a chalk board. In snot.

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