EXTERIOR: IKEA CAR PARK. DAY.
The sun shines onto the windscreen of a second hand Ford S-Max. A young family exit the car looking happy.
INTERIOR: IKEA ENTRANCE. 10 MINUTES LATER.
SONNY, an inquisitive 4 and a half year old boy, is struggling to hold 25 paper tape measures, 12 small wooden pencils and 23 sheets of paper. His sister, BESSIE, is crying and trying to wrestle some of the bounty from his grip, despite 1,548 more of each item being readily available on the stand in front of her. SONNY and BESSIE’S parents, MUMMY and DADDY, are shepherding them into a trolley and into a lift.
OK, so we need a new table for the play room, 3 large photo frames and 2 bar stools for the kitchen. Let’s try and stay focused on getting only those items.
Sure. I want to have a quick look in the market place too but otherwise just those items.
Rolls eyes but remains calm and optimistic.
I need a poo Mummy.
INTERIOR: IKEA TOILET. 20 MINUTES LATER
Mummy I’m hungry!
INTERIOR: IKEA RESTAURANT. 10 MINUTES LATER
OK so I’m going to run around the whole store, note down the numbers of the things we need, head to the self serve, grab them, pay, put them in the car and I’ll be back in 10 minutes. Then we can get out of here sharpish.
Looks nervous at the prospect of solo childcare in a restaurant busier than a wacky warehouse but without the play facilities.
INTERIOR: IKEA KIDS SHOWROOM. 80 MINUTES LATER
VOICE OVER: 2 hours after arriving, MUMMY and DADDY are no longer happy or optimistic. DADDY had a 50% success rate finding barstools – a different colour than planned but who has time to sweat the small stuff – and a kids play table. However the plastic trays that go with the table and the large frames are yet to be located, and so after 30 meatballs (each), a dime bar cheesecake (each) and 2 mild tantrums (SONNY, BESSIE and every child within a 5 mile radius) the now somewhat bedraggled family head back into the fray.
No, for the twentieth time, you can’t have the 6ft play tent.
But it’s only £4.00
This piggy is my friend. Can it come home with us?
Throw it in the trolley.
VO: DADDY gives Mummy a death stare as piggy is £8.00 and not a tent.
Look Mummy, I’ve drewn a spider!
No Sonny! Not on the frames! They’re for sale – not for drawing on!
Come on everyone lets move on…. quickly children….
INTERIOR: IKEA MARKETPLACE. 25 MINUTES LATER.
Do we really need a lazy Susan?
Why is Susan lazy? Is she like the postman Mummy? You said the postman is lazy, you said he can’t even write proper letters on those red cards you always get.
Right – this trolley’s getting hard to push. Can we hurry up? Which way is it?
I can’t see over this yucca plant….
Can Piggy have a one of those little chocolates Mummy? Sonny’s opened the bag…
Mumbles incoherently something sounding like ‘duck in bell’…
There they are. Large frames. Do we need A1 or A2?
Either is fine. Just grab 3 and lets go.
I need a poo.
Not now Sonny, can you wait for 5 minutes please?
VOICE OVER: Sonny smiles as now he has reason to bribe and panic MUMMY and DADDY for the remainder of the visit…
So the A1 would work well with a mount, but the A2 would give the picture more of a focal point. I can’t decide, I think A2 for the kitchen and A1 for the hallway.
What do you think?
Whispers menacingly at DADDY
I give no shits. Get the frames, put them on the trolley and let’s leave this hell hole.
INTERIOR: IKEA CHECKOUTS. 4 DAYS AFTER ARRIVAL
VOICE OVER: The family, now weary and confused, are placing the items on the conveyer belt and regarding each one with surprise and what can only be described as ‘IKEA amnesia.’ No one remembers how a doll’s flatpack bed, 3 bathmats and a large cushioned computer tray appeared in the trolley.
That will be £550 please.
What the… HOW? We only came for 3 things!
Where are the daim bars?
I feel sick.
We forgot the pissing plastic trays for the kids table.
Mummy, remember how I needed a poo?
Well because you didn’t let me go can I have a hot dog?
Let’s just get to the car, don’t buy him anything else, we need to get out of here before we spend any more money.
Rifles through bag to find change for a hot dog.
Vomits on piggy and cries, incites glances of pity/ horror from strangers
EXTERIOR: IKEA CAR PARK. 18 MONTHS LATER
VOICE OVER: Rain pelts down onto the windscreen of a second hand Ford S-Max. A young family on the brink of collapse jam 7 large blue bags into the boot, trying to not break the sodding A1 frames or decapitate a sick covered soft pig.
The camera zooms in on MUMMY who is sitting in the passenger seat.
VOICE OVER: MUMMY is staring blankly at the receipt, as it’s slowly dawning on her that she can’t return a fucking thing due to each item sounding like a place in Game of Thrones and bearing no relation to the item itself. Like it or not, she is now the proud owner of 16 FYRKANTIG’s, 2 NORRVIKEN’s and a DAGSTORP.
The camera pans to DADDY, who looks wistfully up at the two towers.
VOICE OVER: DADDY tries to remember if all visits to IKEA are fifty shades of cray. It’s almost like the crates of Daim bars around the store and at the checkouts are there to induce a Halo effect. Eating just one causes a complete mind wipe. Similar to childbirth – all memories of the experience are erased forever or you would not go back there.
DADDY shakes his head and turns the key in the ignition.
The camera pans back to MUMMY who still looks shell shocked and bewildered. MUMMY reaches into a large red bag, removes a Daim bar and eats it.
The camera pans out. The car exits the car park and drives off into a thunderstorm.
FADE TO BLACK.
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