Mum Life Toys

54 ways to piss off your kids in one day

S list and chicken

  1. Wake up slowly.MUMMY, MUMMY!!! IT’S DAYTIME! I WANT CRISPIES NOW!” (shouted at a million decibels, causing a mild heart attack)
  2. Make coffee. Grinder is too loud, children can’t hear Snap, Crackle or (sodding) Pop. 
  3. Answer door to delivery manMilk has ran out, I repeat, “we have no milk”. Panic!
  4. Have a shower. “What do you mean you don’t need an audience Mummy?” 
  5. Put on outfit in one goEvery addition of clothes to body must be punctuated with a shout of ‘PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON PLEASE’ and then followed up by half naked chasing children around the house like a greyhound after a rabbit. 
  6. Brush teeth. Pause to say ‘stop sticking your toothbrush in your brothers ears/ eyes/ nose/ anus’ approximately every ten seconds
  7. Apply make up. Each component of make up bag must go missing and be retrieved at regular intervals.
  8. Attempt to drink a hot beverageNot gonna happen. This lego isn’t going to play with itself. 
  9. Comfort crying child who has stood on a bit of lego. “But that was my lego tower (two bricks, max) and she ruined it.”
  10. Comfort other crying child as architect dreams are now crushed.My foot Mummy, my foot!!!!’
  11. Wee soloPeppa Pig has finished. The wonderfully camp fella on Milkshake is doing a dance and no one likes it. 
  12. Choose water bottle. Meltdown with crying, pointing and absolute disbelief that anything but blue is acceptable. 
  13. Choose another water bottle – see no. 12 with different colour/ shape/ straw function for other child. 
  14. Locate keys. No one has seen the keys.
  15. Remove keys from toddlers hand. Tantrum #12. It’s 9.30am. 
  16. Insert children into car seats. I want the thumbs one! I want the one with no thumbs (still unsure of this meaning after 18 months, but think it’s something to do with the arms of the car seat).
  17. Drive. “”You didn’t say goodbye to the house Mummy! (Am clearly a thoughtless bitch). 
  18. Park carImperative that seat belts are unfastened NOW… “hurry up!”
  19. Get shopping. This is another list of it’s own. Let’s just summarise with the word SHITSHOW. 
  20. Return home. Food hasn’t been consumed for a couple of hours and so levels of h’anger are at an all time high. 
  21. Make lunchNot ham, cheese. Not grated, sliced. Not on bread, in a wrap. NOT ON THAT PLATE. 
  22. Make more lunch. See no 22 with different food types/ plate formats and colours for other child. 
  23. Eat own lunch. Are you kidding me? 
  24. Write a ‘To Do’ list. “I want that book. Doesn’t matter it was a personalised super thoughtful present for you, I want it!”
  25. Do anything on mental to do list. Play doh time!
  26. Remove play doh from rugWhat the bejeez is that stuff made of? 
  27. Take phone call from husbandBottom must be wiped after epic toilet blocking shit. 
  28. Drink water. Crapping is contagious and other kid now needs to crank one out but MUST be present and talked through all stages of said crap. 
  29. Make phone call to leisure centre to rearrange swimming lessons due to school starting in Sept.But I want to do colouring and you’re not letting me!”
  30. Write down audible information from noisy phone call (approx 3 words) – “I WANT THAT BOOK.”
  31. Play snap. “I want to play in the garden!” (Witness more cheating than an aspiring businessman/ TV personality running for President). 
  32. Separate fighting children after now violent snap game. Bloody hell they’re strong. 
  33. Change location to garden.I want to play inside!”
  34. Calm crying child who is scared of chicken. Even removing child from garden will not remove the mental trauma. 
  35. Scold other mocking child.Ha ha, it’s only a chicken! She’s silly Mummy.”
  36. Herd chicken back in coop. FFS. Think scene from Rocky but replace Sly with middle aged housewife, crying. 
  37. Eat chocolate in pantry. MUMMY WHERE ARE YOU?
  38. Place Ocado order to ensure future healthier eating. I want to use your ‘puter!
  39. ksghghcuwo nsghciwl nashoDFWwlnnobhios. See 38.
  40. Abandon Ocado order to play ‘Shopping List’ game. But I want to play Snap!
  41. Play Shopping List game.That’s the wrong basket. I want those mar-toes. That’s my cucumber!”
  42. Write blog post without nose being wiped on my forearm. Tears at being abandoned for 3 seconds. 
  43. Make dinner. Crisis talks needed about rules of shopping list game and both kids ability to follow rules. 
  44. Serve dinner. Similar reaction to steps 21 and 22 and add crying. From all 3 of us.
  45. Tidy up dinner. Just can’t be arsed now.  
  46. Watch Pointless.Does that look like Paw Patrol Mummy?” 
  47. Find wet wipesBoth kids look like they’ve been at La Tomatina and this is my fault, apparently.  
  48. Run bath.Bubbles? BUBBLES? We’ve talked about this….”.
  49. Get children into bath. Think two cats in a washing machine. 
  50. Remove children from bath. Think two cats in a tumble drier. 
  51. Choose a story.It doesn’t matter that you spent hours researching phonics on Amazon, I want Peppa Pig”. 
  52. Read story. Things needed include but are not limited to: a wee, a bunny, a tigger, some water, more light, less light, more room on the bed, a cuddle, covering, uncovering, the fan turning on, no more fan, some cake, a biscuit, Some broccoli. Only joking. 
  53. Get child to go to sleep. See 52 but x 2 for both children and add revelations about the universe, human anatomy, how much I am loved and how important it is we go to the park as soon as we wake up. 
  54. Go downstairs. You said you would be just in bed next door!
  55. Relax. Not possible on account of anxiety caused by points 1 – 54. 

This happens ON THE DAILY.

Peace out. N ♥

 

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